Coping with Infidelity

Everyone hears about infidelity, more commonly called “cheating,” at some point in their life. The media loves to make use of it in the news or in movies, and it is actually a more common occurrence in real life then we would maybe like to believe. Even though research shows that up to 80% of people in monogamous cultures disapprove of extradyadic (with a person other than your partner) sexual involvement, it also indicates that 30-60% of men and 20-50% of women engage in at least one of these encounters. (1) Self reports also suggest that 75% of men and 68% of women who have been in at least one serious dating relationship also report engaging in some sort of extradyadic activities such as dating or kissing. (1) What exactly defines cheating, though? Though most people would generally agree on what constitutes sexual infidelity, the line drawn is not as solid for nonsexual behaviors. This is especially true for emotional cheating. Try asking the people you know if they consider emotional infidelity (becoming deeply emotionally involved with another person besides for your partner) cheating. Since the few lectures I’ve had discussing the subject, I have talked to quite a few of the people that I know. I’ve personally discovered that my friends are relatively split down the middle. Some people believe that it is certainly a form of cheating and condone it, while others don’t and think it is no big deal. It is probably safe to assume that many conflicts between partners arise if they do not have the same views on infidelity.

Take for example the trailer above for the movie Along Came Polly (2004). Reuben (played by Ben Stiller) thinks that he has finally found the love of his life. However, during their honeymoon he finds her cheating on him with the scuba instructor. Reuben freaks out, naturally, and does various things throughout the movie to help him cope with the infidelity like stabbing all of her pillows, focusing on another woman and going home to his friends and family. His wife returns later in the movie wanting to start over. She believed that they could continue their relationship despite the act of infidelity she went through. Reuben finds that he is unable to give her forgiveness. He cannot get over the fact that she had sex with someone else…on their honeymoon, no less. It isn’t impossible for a relationship to continue after infidelity occurs, however. But what exactly determines whether a partner will break it off afterwards?


Many studies have looked at sex differences between men and women and what their views are on the types of infidelity. Within those differences, they analyze what each gender is generally more able to forgive. One study by Shackelford (2002) looked at just that. They hypothesized that sex differences would follow an evolutionary perspective. For men, a single act of infidelity by his partner would cause the chance of the offspring not being his own. Therefore, there is the threat that he would be putting time and effort into a child that was not his own. For women, however, a single act of sexual infidelity by her partner would not be as devastating since her child is always her child. If he were to be emotionally involved with another woman, it would be a different story. He would then have to divide resources, time and effort between her and the other woman. As a result, men should be more distressed by sexual infidelity, while women are more distressed by emotional infidelity. (2) The study had a pool of 256 college undergraduate participants. They first took a survey that asked them demographics, followed by instructions to think of a person they are currently seriously involved with, or were seriously involved with. They were then given a set of scenarios to which they had to pick which one would upset/distress them more. Two example scenarios are: “imagining your partner enjoying passionate sexual intercourse with that other person” versus “imagining your partner forming a deep emotional attachment to that other person” and “imagining your partner trying different sexual positions with that other person” versus “imagining your partner falling in love with that other person.” Following that task, they were then asked about whether it would be more difficult for them to forgive sexual versus emotional infidelity, and which action would lead to them most likely breaking up with their partner.

Maybe not very surprising, the results showed support for the evolutionary perspective. 61.9% of men versus 22% of women said that it would be more difficult to forgive a sexual infidelity. 58.4% of men compared to 41.6% of women said that they would be more likely to break up with their partner after a an act of sexual infidelity. Interestingly, when participants were told to imagine their partner committing BOTH types of infidelity at the same time, 57.9% of men and 41.3% of women said that it would be more difficult for them to forgive the sexual act than the emotional. All of the effects found remained even after controlling for those attributed to age and ethnicity. Therefore, in general, it is supported that men will have a harder time forgiving sexual infidelity and that emotional infidelity is the same for women. The study specifically clarifies that no matter what type of infidelity happens, both men and women get very upset. The purpose of the study was to look at the potential sex differences and how they would affect relationship outcome. It is important to note that most men will not be willing to overlook emotional infidelity, nor will most women overlook sexual infidelity.


In a study done by Gunderson & Ferrari (2008), 196 participants read about an imaginary romantic partner cheating on them by having sex with someone else (3). They found similar results to the Shackelford study -- there are differences in the way that men and women react to sexual infidelity. Though most of the participants had never experienced such a scenario themselves, they found it quite believable and were able to imagine it well. Women also found it harder to forgive their imaginary partner and worried more about future behavior more than the men in the study did. However, those who found that their partner only cheated on them once were much more likely to forgive, than those who cheated multiple times or were still cheating. Apology also appeared to play a role in forgiveness. Those who read their imaginary partner apologizing to them were more likely to forgive them than those who did not. Apology with an attempt at making amends to continue the relationship seemed to be the best starting point for reconciling the relationship.


Another study done by Kluwer & Karremans (2009) looked at unforgiving motivations following acts of infidelity. They found that people who are currently in a committed relationship when finding out about their partner cheating are more hurt and less likely to forgive than those who were in a relationship and are no longer in the relationship when they find out. (4) It also appears that people are generally more unforgiving when the infidelity was currently ongoing or if it lasted longer than six months. This shouldn’t be surprising, though, as it is much harder to apologize or use the excuse that “it was only one mistake” if the infidelity lasted an extended period of time. Time does seem to have some effect on forgiveness as well. The study found that there were more positive and less negative effects as time passed, from the act of infidelity. This could imply that if couples remain together and try to work things out, time may help the person left hurt and angry, forgive their partner.


Unfortunately, because people will more often than not feel emotions such as resentment, retaliation and separation from the partner who committed the infidelity, relationship problems will naturally ensue. Research shows that people generally feel like avoiding their partner because of hurt feelings as well as wanting to get some sort of revenge. (4) There is some evidence that there are also sex differences in coping with the betrayal that comes along with infidelity. In a study investigated by Miller & Maner (2008), 69 undergraduate students underwent activities that were previously proven to invoke jealousy as well as concerns of infidelity. (5) They were given scenarios of different levels of “cheating,” such as flirting, holding hands with another person and actually engaging in sexual contact. After each scenario, the participants were instructed to write about how they would feel and what they would do. Raters then coded all of the responses looking for four things: 1) phrases indicating anger such as “I would be pissed!” 2) phrases indicating sadness or hurt such as “I would shut down and start crying” 3) phrases referencing a violent act such as “I would slap him across the face” and lastly, 4) references to affiliating behavior like “I would go to my friend’s house to talk.” The raters also paid attention to whether or not the violence was directed at the partner, or the person committing the act with their partner.

Graph showing gender differences
in behavioral response (5)

Results showed that men were more inclined than women to imagine themselves engaging in some sort of violence, while women were more likely to imagine affiliating behavior. Though men tended to be much more violent than women, it is interesting to compare where the violent ones directed their thoughts. Women directed their violence at their partners, while men had the tendency to direct it at the person their partner was with. The study also found that men experience greater feelings of anger than sadness, but the reverse was true for women. Miller & Maner hypothesized that the evolutionary perspective may also have something to do with justifying these findings. They believe that men are more likely to impose dominance strategies (such as violence) in order to reinstate the value they lost as a result of their partner committing the infidelity. Jealousy in men has been shown to precede violent behavior, not to mention facial expressions of anger can act as signals of dominance in men as well. (5) In terms of the evolutionary theory, losing a mate for a woman means losing out on resources and protection. Therefore, it would be natural for them to look to groups in order to balance out the negative costs of their partner cheating. Instead of taking out their feelings violently, women would therefore focus their energies on forming and maintaining alliances with friends and family. (5)

The top lines show data from those couples who
had experienced infidelity in some fashion, while the
bottom lines are couples in therapy not for infidelity.  (6)

In a study conducted by Atkins and colleagues (2010), they compared couples with infidelity issues to couples without them in therapy. (6) There were a total of 540 couples, and out of those, 145 couples reported infidelity as a problem in their relationship. After the partners consented to the study, they completed self-report questionnaires prior to treatment, post-treatment 6 months later and again in a follow up study 12 months following. As can be seen in figure one (to the right), couples who expressed infidelity as a concern started off with a remarkably higher mean of relationship distress (The Global Distress Scale pictured on the left chart) and depressive symptoms (The Care for Epidemiological Studies Depression scale pictured on the right side). Those who had infidelity as a problem in their relationship showed slow and gradual improvement during therapy, but by the follow-up study, they were no longer statistically different from the non-infidelity couples in the story. This indicates that infidelity couples who seek therapy have hope for a good outcome in their relationship, as they are approximately similar to couples in therapy without infidelity problems by the end.


As much as we do not want to admit it, infidelity does happen. In evolutionary terms, monogamy is not really in our nature.  The idea of monogomy started when hunting and gathering became the norm for humans.  Hunting and gathering meant settling in one place was now easier, and this led to the social norm of a man and woman living together in a fixed place (7).  This may be why some find it so difficult to stay loyal to one. However, in our society now, it is not moral to cheat, but people make mistakes. If you have cheated, and you feel hopeless; do not fret. There are many ways to repair your relationship. Sometimes, after cheating, your bond can even become stronger than it was. It just takes a lot of work. There are many things out there to help you. First off, marriage counseling is a very important step to take.  There are different circumstances as too whether working out the relationship after infidelity is worth it. Usually, couples who have put a lot into their relationship, such as time and money tend to seek repair. Also, usually couples who have children tend to want to stay together for the family.  However, no matter what the reason is for you wanting to repair your relationship, there are multiple places to seek help.

Judith Barnett, a clinical psychologist, and marriage counselor who specializes in infidelity, with 20 years of experience may be a good place to start. According to Barnett, seeing just any marriage counselor may be a bit too general. You should see one who specifies in infidelity such as her. (8) This is important because you should focus mainly on this topic, not general marriage issues. She claims on her site that "for an overwhelming majority of cases of infidelity, not only can the relationship be saved but it can evolve into a stronger and more resilient and even more intimate relationship than before. However, this often requires some skillful facilitation from a therapist specifically trained in dealing with issues after infidelity occurs." On this website you can search through a variety of places for help. She has some basic facts about infidelity, and even mentions Internet infidelity. Most importantly, she has a "recovery" section. Here, she can help you decide if it is better to separate or not. She also has information on healing as a couple and as an individual. There are many resources to use on this site. To check it out go to : http://www.afterinfidelity.com/

If you are one who trusts in things you see on television, then you may want to to to check this out. Featured on The Today Show, Dr. Laura Berman, (the director of the Berman Center in Chicago and an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry and obstetrics/gynecology at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University) has a few general steps to repair your relationship after infidelity. She first says to "Commit to a solution". This should involve seeking counseling once a week for a while. Another thing to do is make an adultery contract, where you promise to never cheat again, or speak to the one you cheated with. Also, don’t let long periods of time go unaccounted for, because it does not help the process of trust being built. Next, she says to "Check your Anger". The one who was cheated on must get rid of their anger. Since they will have anger, and feel worthless, depressed, and other emotions, they should try to vent in a non harmful way. She suggests letting the hurt one go on for about 10 minutes where they can yell or scream, but then they should just calm down and talk to their partner. During this talk, any questions should be answered by the one who cheated, in order to move on. The last thing to do is "address the root of the problem". Most infidelity does not come from just seeking external sex partners. It usually comes from another personal matter. Something is missing from the relationship- maybe emotionally, or maybe infidelity is common in one's family, and could have been learned. You should attempt to find the root of your problems without pointing blame at anyone in particular. Once you realize what went wrong in the relationship, it may even become a stronger bond in the end. (9) Check it out here : http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/21433484/ns/today-relationships/

If you would like to talk with somebody directly there are websites to do so. There is a group of psychotherapists than run a website. This site has many counselors and therapists, and you can even check them all out directly on the site to find the right one for you. Most importantly, there is a phone number which you can call and pay directly with your credit card for counseling. You can also go to the "counseling corner" on this website, for some help. On the topic of infidelity, Psychiatrist M.Goulston, explains how you will respond to infidelity with the "four H's". You will feel hurt, hate, hesitation to trust, and holding onto resentment (10). However, with the four H's, comes the four R's- remorse, restitution, rehabilitation, and request for forgiveness:

Remorse: if you cheated, you must show that you are truly and sincerely sorry. This will be reflected through the things you do and say. This may involve apologizing repeatedly. Show that you realize how hard it was for your partner when you were unfaithful.

Restitution: Then, to help them feel better you may have to just let them vent all their anger and hurt, maybe towards you. This may be a way of revenge so you feel bad like them.

Rehab: You must show that you are making an effort to make things better, and deal with the relationship issues better, to meet their needs.

Request for forgiveness: After you do the above three things, for at least six months, you should request for forgiveness. Forgiving will not be an easy thing, so you must wait for your partner to truly forgive you before things start to get better.

If this seems helpful, go to: http://www.beachpsych.com/pages/cc123.html

If you are one who likes to deal with things your own way, then you should probably invest in purchasing a self-help book on infidelity. I suggest just going on either barnesandnoble.com or amazon.com and search for a good book. Barnes and Noble alone displays over 300 books on infidelity. Here are a couple with high ratings:

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona B. Subotnik, a family therapist and clinical psychologist Gloria G. Harris.
This book deals with understanding the different types of affairs, coping with your emotions, and repairing your marriage. (11)
First Aid for the Betrayed: Recovering from the Devastation of an Affair: A Personal Guide to Healing by Richard Alan. This book was written over a two year span, and includes the author's personal experiences and 100 others than have dealt with infidelity. The author shares ways to help those who have dealt with this issue to recover and survive after the matter. (12)

Cheating seems unforgivable, and trust seems irreparable, but this is truly not the case. Just look at a famous example of Bill and Hillary Clinton. That was an extreme case of cheating. Everyone in the United States knew about Bill’s infidelity to Hillary. She had to have been hurt and mortified, but look at them now; 10 years later, and they are still married. This is a perfect example of forgiveness and moving on.

In this video of Hillary Clinton on The Tyra Banks Show (from 2:48-4:40), Hillary speaks to Tyra about how she dealt with this infidelity. She talks about how hard it was, but how she learned to recover from it. This shows that you just truly have to have the strength to repair your relationship, and it is possible.

REFERENCES:
1) Mattingly, B. A., Wilson, K., Clark, E. M., Bequette, A. W., & Weidler, D. J. (2010). Foggy faithfulness: Relationship quality, religiosity, and the Perceptions of Dating Infidelity Scale in an adult sample. Journal of Family Issues, 31(11), 1465-1480. doi:10.1177/0192513X10362348

2) Shackelford, T. K., Buss, D. M., & Bennett, K. (2002). Forgiveness or breakup: Sex differences in responses to a partner's infidelity. Cognition and Emotion, 16(2), 299-307. doi:10.1080/02699930143000202

3) Gunderson, P. R., & Ferrari, J. R. (2008). Forgiveness of sexual cheating in romantic relationships: Effects of discovery method, frequency of offense, and presence of apology. North American Journal of Psychology, 10(1), 1-14. Retrieved from EBSCOhost.

4) Kluwer, E. S., & Karremans, J. (2009). Unforgiving motivations following infidelity: Should we make peace with our past. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 28(10), 1298-1325. doi:10.1521/jscp.2009.28.10.1298

5) Miller, S. L., & Maner, J. K. (2008). Coping with romantic betrayal: Sex differences in responses to partner infidelity. Evolutionary Psychology, 6(3), 413-426. Retrieved from EBSCOhost.

6) Atkins, D. C., Marín, R. A., Lo, T. Y., Klann, N., & Hahlweg, K. (2010). Outcomes of couples with infidelity in a community-based sample of couple therapy. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 212-216. doi:10.1037/a00187897)Anitei, Stefan. (2008, May 15). The biology and psychology of cheating. Retrieved from http://news.softpedia.com/news/The-Biology-and-Psychology-of-Cheating-85610.shtml

8) Barnett, Judith. After infidelity or an affair. Retrieved from http://afterinfidelity.com/

9)Berman, Laura Dr., . (2007, October 23). Is infidelity a forgivable sin?. Retrieved from http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/21433484/ns/today-relationships

10) Goulston, M. Reparing your marriage after an affair. Retrieved from http://www.beachpsych.com/pages/cc123.html

11) Subotnik, Rona. (1999). Surviving infidelity: making decisions, recovering from the pain . Retrieved from http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Infidelity-Making-Decisions-Recovering/dp/1580621376

12) Richard, Alan. (2006). First aid for the betrayed . Retrieved from http://search.barnesandnoble.com/First-Aid-for-the-Betrayed/Richard-Alan/e/9781425103569/?itm=1&USRI=first+aid+for+the+betrayed#TABS